It was unexpected. This will sound unreal. It feels surreal, and I'm likely still in shock. I have to resign from my peace corps service. After today I will no longer be a pc volunteer. Does that sound as dramatic as it has felt?

I'm terrified thinking of all the questions I will have to answer to everyone of my family, friends, acquaintances, and all the people I have yet to meet who will likely ask something to the degree of "WHY?". Well, it's was not my decision. I am signing off as an "Early Termination, Interrupted Service". This simply translates to I finished with service, before the expected date for reasons beyond my control. I can reapply. I am leaving on good terms, and I'm still considered a returned peace corps volunteer.

I'm tired, and sad. I was in tears all day yesterday meeting with staff after staff, but it's a done deal. There is nothing anyone can do to change the situation. I feel a deep enviousness for all my co-volunteers and every volunteer who has or will have completed their two year service. I feel sorrow for this personal loss, and for all the experiences I would have had with friends. I can't help but think of the judgement that will come from others, and the sadness that my close friends and fellow volunteers will feel. Simple to say, there's a lot of low energy in my life right now, and wondering how did this happen?

I'm trying to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to be right now. It has been really stressful and challenging to be here as a volunteer. And, it just has not worked out. I'm trying to tell myself 'things happen for a reason' and that I just gotta take what life hands me right now. With all the things that went wrong with my first site and supervisor, maybe it really was just is not the right time.

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March 31, 2011 8:11AM

I've had about a week to get my thoughts together. Now, my plan is to travel and return home, then I will be working in China again this summer. Post summer, I'll travel more or make plans for a new job or adventure. Family and friends, see you at the end of May =)

Week 29 - Settling In

Magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat  = Good afternoon to you all - the extent of my new language aquisition so far. hah!

I was so fortunate to find a decent apartment right away. My landlady, whom I just call Tita/Aunty, is really sweet and has helped me get oriented and settled around the city the last few days. My new sup and counterpart are amazing (makes the last few months at my last site seem even more of an anomaly), sweet and helpful. Overall, I'm settling in pretty well and last week's transition was relatively painless.

I spent the weekend in Naga and Goa with a few girl friends, whom are the closest volunteers from me - all two or three hours away. This is going to take some adjustment. My last site, I had other volunteers I could get dinner with nightly. Having my own apartment and not many close friends here in this city (yet!) gives me a sense isolation, but not quite loneliness since there is so much to get to know, so much new-ness, and so many people looking out for me still.

Having to learn a new language is definitely a draw-back. I feel like a dud when I can't understand any Bicol or Tagalog spoken to me here. I spent so much energy trying to learn Waray. Some words translate, but most of the time I bashfully say to people "I'm sorry. I don't understand". I have to learn Tagalog/Bicolano! It's the best way to connect and be a part of the community. That way I'm not just Mei, the Chinese girl who happens to be an American volunteer.

Lunch break is drawing to a close. I had rice and chicken adobo from the canteen next door. I prefer to make my own - can't wait for my kitchen to get set up. First things on the list: Adobo & Dumplings, nom nom.

Week 28 Site Transfer

"For some reason you are exactly where you are meant to be..." 

- Roma, PCV, Belize

It's 7am. I'm laying in my bed in a hotel room in Legazpi City, Albay, Bicol, my new pc service site. I can hear horns honking and birds chirping through the open window.  I just read a letter from my good friend Roma who is serving in Belize right now (hey girl!). ESPN live is muted on the small TV on the stand and Oregon State seeded #9 is coming out strong over #1 Arizona - I always love a good upset, well unless it's over UCLA. We'll see how the game goes.

Today is a full 28 weeks I have been in this country, and 4 weeks since I heard I was to get a site transfer. Today I meet my new organization and start hunting for an apartment or host family to move in with. Tomorrow hopefully I will get to travel to the next city, Naga, and meet some of my new region-mates (fellow volunteers around me).

I feel excited about a new city, and new organization. Of course I feel anxious too. The last few months were rough, not bad, just rough. All the tension and conflict with my last supervisor, left my nerves on edge, and hoping that my relationship with my new organization will be more successful. And, there was the four weeks of waiting, requiring so much patience, and creativity to fight against boredom.

I got to chat with the director, my supervisor, and my counterpart before and they seem really amazing, as does the organization and the work they're trying to do for children and families in this region. It's an ngo, headquarter'ed in Kansas City that organizes sponsorships for kids. Check 'em out here, Children International. It'll likely take a few weeks to figure out what my role and work will be at this new org.

This last week was filled with packing, despedidas (farewell parties), and just mentally gearing up for the transition. I flew to Manila on Wed with just my clothes. My bike and other belongings will be coming in a trunk sometime in the next month. My host family was sad to see me go. My host sister started crying as I left. My climbing friends from Bukid said goodbye, and gave me a couple tshirts. I'm really grateful that I had such amazing friendships and relationships with locals. I hope that I can find something similar here. I'll get to see my volunteer friends at trainings, but no more weekly pizza sessions with them - we did have our own little farewell with a giant 36' inch pizza. It was amazing.

My 12 hour bus ride from Manila to Legazpi, was actually a 9 hour straight drive in a car. Vic, the driver is a champ! He drove straight threw without stopping and got us here before dinner. My first impression of the city: beautiful, smells sweet and tastes spicy. I went jogging, and a crescent moon hung in the sky during twilight, while the Mayon volcano sat like a giant in the backdrop covered under clouds. I went to dinner last night with my new regional manager, Joji. It was actually her birthday, and it was pleasant to try to some delicious spicy food, and chat with her professionally and personally.

The last four weeks, waiting for my site transfer, gave me a lot of time to gear up, and try to ground myself. A lot of days I was frustrated and wanted to ask no one in particular 'why me?' - Why did I get a unreasonable supervisor? Why do I have to transfer leaving my friends, relationships, and a dialect that I've been trying to study/speak for six months? It all left me with a feeling of lose and that my time thus far has been in vain. Those irritable moments came and went. I just have to take everything as part of the experience, and let issues of control and desire for I cannot have go.

So, it wasn't all waiting in angst the last weeks. I took quite a few day trips with friends and my host family, and finally uploaded pictures to fb! My camera is a bit of a black hole 'cause no one ever gets to see photos I take, until now! Check 'em out if you haven't already.

Ten Day Before Peace Corps

Day Trips: Leyte & Samar

Climbing Community

Cabucgayan, Biliran

Ah, Arizona is up by 12 in the second half now. Things do work out how they should sometimes, huh? Headed out the door to meet and greet my new org, city, and find a place to live. Wish me luck!

Loathing Packing

I am packing right now to leave Leyte and fly to Manila, then tomorrow I will have a 12 hour van ride to my new site in Legazpi City, Bicol. I loathe packing. This reminds me of when I was packing back in San Fran the days before I left for the Philippines. I was busy and a hot mess.

I had just returned from six weeks of work traveling the width of China for Dragons and I literally had ten days between landing at LAX, traveling home to SF, packing, moving my room to the attic, saying goodbye and leaving for pc staging in Detroit. Ridiculous, I know, I remember thinking why I would do that to myself. I was packing two hours before I left. This time I started a couple of days ago, and giving things away more freely.

But, I'm still not done. Instead of swiftly finishing I am blogging, but this time I have four more hours and far less stuff. Anyways, here are some pictures from those ten days seven months ago. Okay, back to packing.

11AM: I'm done packing!!